Trust Issues
Through
Proverbs 3:5 says “Trust in the Lord, lean not to thine own understanding…” I will stop right there. Like millions of people all over the world, past and even present experiences damaged our ability to trust. It’s not bad being impersonal with strangers. We don’t have to live with or deal with them on a daily basis. But it becomes personal when the damage is caused by those that we love and profess to love us.
Trust is defined as “A firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.” Can I break this down?
“A firm belief” From my experiences standing assured on anything other than myself has been difficult since early in my youth. I was the “child-parent” to an alcoholic mother. There were times when I didn’t eat because she would be too inebriated to cook meals. So I learned to cook for myself. When I was being bullied, I had to fend for myself without any parental guidance or support. So in hindsight, the rudimentary elements of trusting others had no firm root in my early growth. Then there was the physical abuse I suffered at the hands of another parent that I believed with all my heart loved me despite the senseless beatings, and verbal assaults. There was nothing for me to hold onto. Eventually I stopped believing that anyone could be held accountable for helping me or relieving me of the turmoil. Those I trusted only “talked” to those causing my pain and that didn’t stop it. So I devised ways to escape on my own. In my mind, I had to lean on my own understanding. Or die. And this is how I lived inside and outside of my home as well for the next 60 years.
“in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength” My question is, “What is left for anyone to do that has suffered trauma at the hands of a loved one, when that trauma was caused at an age when total dependence is key to developement? Also, because of an unknown fear they are paralyzed from reaching out to others?” Nothing was real to me. Every word someone said to me was suspect. Every deed I deciphered and analyzed the intent to keep myself guarded from the hurtful hidden agenda I felt was lurking behind the smiles and hugs. I began to lie to keep those I felt were out to harm me from becoming angry. When I would show up with a broken arm or swollen eye, and they would ask what happened; I would lie and say it was caused by something I did. I wanted so badly to change my circumstance. But I was too scared to do anything to get away from it. I remember one day, placing the barrel of a .22 cal. pistol to my head. I shook so bad from fear it is a miracle I didn’t squeeze the trigger. I never did so I told myself “(You) are too much of a coward to even kill yourself.” I found the strength I didn’t have at home in the streets. And this perpetuated my distrust to another level of what I felt allowed me to be stable and in control. I fought hard to be seen as the one everyone else should put trust in. I demanded it so when others would come up the least bit short of showing it, I dealt with them harshly and with violence.
“of someone or something” I was in the world. Hundreds of people I would encounter on any given day. But I was all alone. Because of what I did I had to interact with people of all races, nationalities, social and economical backgrounds. But these interactions were under the microscope and done with a caution that gave me freedom to stay at a safe distance. There was no one I cared to trust. However, in the end, the one thing I thought I could trust re-opened former wounds and eventually incarcerated me far deeper than the emotional, and mental prison I was already indebted to. Crack cocaine became the “something” and almost took me out.
April 2023, the Word of God came to me. I awoke from a nightmare where my only child was taken away from me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. She wasn’t physically taken from me. Even though I was dreaming, I had sub-conscious affirmation that it was God, and I woke up screaming with all my strength “PLEASE LORD, DON’T TAKE HER FROM ME!” In my mind I thought something drastic had happened that caused her demise. I could feel she was gone. I was crying and walking back and forth in the cell. My cellmate was looking at me as if I’d lost my mind. And honestly, I thought I had. I began to pray, and avow that if God spared her life, that even if I never saw her again, just as long as He protect and bless her life, I would follow Him all the days of my life. I don’t make promises because promises place unattainable conditions that I can not uphold. Yet, through my sobs, I vowed to trust Him but He had to help me. In fact, I pleaded for His help.
From that day until right now as I write this, God has taught me the true meaning of trust. But it began with me taking just one brick away from the wall I had built around my heart. After that He has done ALL the rest by being present, reliable, true, able, and strong. While in the same breath, He is gentle and compassionate. What makes my relationship with my Father even more endearing, is the fact, He is not physically here, but ALWAYS finds a way to assure me, He is right here, right now. I know that I should trust Him with my life because He has saved my life countless times. And I not once asked Him to do it. He did it because He loves me that much.
By this, I am now finding I can trust in others. But only those He leads me to at this time. He shows me how to trust gradually based on merit not on what I feel or think. And He holds my hand, carefully guiding me through the wilderness of distrust because He knows my desire to serve and please Him will call for me to once again interact with His people. Regardless of their social and economical standing, race, nationality or circumstance.
And that nightmare; He revealed to me that my daughter is safe and loves me. What the dream represented was me being taken away from Him. He was crying out for me to accept Him! He didn’t want to lose me! Praise God!
We may face trust issues with people. But I’m here to tell you, if you want to be rid of the baggage of distrust, start with trusting God. I don’t know one person He has honestly failed. Not one. Even those that have lost, or been through the gutter, He has not failed to be there in whatever capacity they were willing to have Him. Lean not on your own understanding because it is to closeminded to fathom the eternal possibilities and wisdom of God. Trust God. He will take it from there.